I haven’t celebrated my birthday - truly celebrated - in quite some time. I think it stopped when I turned twenty-nine; I remember that particular number hitting hard for me, harder than turning 30. Twenty nine brought forth a grim awareness of the aging process I could not run from. Aging was suddenly ‘math + science = truth’, which made twenty-nine a bitter sting.

Forty. Four-Zero. I’ve seen this coming months in advance and it’s happening this week, officially. For the past month I’ve been very upset about this. There have been days of complete depression followed by days of reconciliation, all while trying to fend off questions from others seeking to know what I’d like for my birthday or how I’d like to celebrate this year.

To be true to myself, I must admit - I’d like to celebrate this one alone. I know that’s a luxury I will not be able to experience, but it’s really how I feel.

I asked myself, “Truly, WHY do you feel this way?” The answer is because at this very moment, while there are many ways in which I feel way younger than forty, there are a select few crucial elements in which I feel way OLDER than forty - through no fault of anyone else but myself.

My drive and hunger for new experiences is always going to be a keystone of who I am (Sure, 2020 got in the way a bit). I’ve grown indifferent on observing a healthy lifestyle, which takes immense amount of physical fortitude and determination. I see people older than I, in better shape; What’s the difference between them and I, really? Nothing except for the WANT and determination I used to have. Where did it go?

I’ve grown indifferent in my creative passions for music and art. I used to have a strong drive to play and write music, and I’m not sure where that drive has gone. I’m not sure how to get it back.

While these two issues carry different importance (certainly a healthy lifestyle at ***cough*** forty…. is something I REALLY need to adopt) the common denominator is the indifference I feel deep in my core. Disinterest. Listlessness. Detachment.

When I was younger I remember having a conversation with my mother about her life dreams, and her awareness that her life took a sharp turn when she had me. The discussion was more positive than how I elude here; She was happy she had me but it certainly put her life on a completely different course. I remember thinking, “How could you have let that happen?” I was in my late teens, full of vigor and excitement for life and the unexpected road that lay ahead of me. My drive was undeniable; I remember the power and confidence I possessed at that point in my life. I now know that LIFE just sometimes gets in the way, if you let it. Work, home ownership, family, other responsibilities can suck the energy away.

I had a revelation the other day that is slowly reinvigorating my mental state over these two numbers, pushed together; 4-0.

I am the only person in control, with total control. I can blame no one else, because I am the only driver of this sportscar.

If I am not happy with myself, I owe it TO MYSELF to fix it. Enough with looking at yourself in disgust. I spend too large of a percentage of my life doing this and it’s not healthy.

Perhaps it stands to reason that the interests I held as my 18-year old self, and my 25-year old self, may not be the same interests to my 40-year old self. And that’s okay. What interests the 40-year old self? I owe it to … myself… to find out and get on it.

I am very content in life except for these two areas which I feel a void. Otherwise, life is wonderful. I have an amazing husband that has brought joy to my life in so many ways I could never have imagined. We have our health as far as we know. We chose not to have children, and while I sometimes wonder if that was a good choice, I am lucky to have gorgeous nieces and nephews I can spoil when I borrow them from time to time. Our parents are still alive. We celebrate them often and acknowledge that every family gathering is even more of a blessing as time goes on. We both have great jobs, our bills are paid, and sure we have “Wouldn’t it be nice if…” moments but truthfully we are blessed to have everything we really NEED in life.

I guess the revelation happened as I was scrolling through my Instagram feed, watching other similarly-aged people excelling and being happy in areas which I cannot currently relate. I realized that it’s totally do-able and only I have the power to change it, one step at a time.

A huge plus to my cause happening right now is working from home due to COVID. I had a nice amount of control over my schedule before we worked from home but now I’m in absolute control of my daily schedule and I’ve had enough with not actually taking advantage of it.

So today is Monday and my birthday is on Wednesday. I started the day calmly with a new sense of self-awareness. I listened to music and made coffee. I had a beautiful breakfast and lunch, and I got outdoors in the unseasonably warm weather and did a fierce 2-mile jog, followed by floor exercises (Man, these used to be easy… what happened?!) I turned thoughts to words with my keyboard and hit POST with certainty and clarity. I’ll end the day with my husband, a healthy dinner, new evening rules consisting of little-to-no alcohol and lighter-than-usual social media. Maybe I’ll play an instrument or learn a new song. I’ll create a game plan for myself so I can start feeling better, mentally and physically.

I also took off on Wednesday - my actual birthday. I’ll spend the morning in super-chill mode at my own pace. I’ll go visit my parents during the day to thank them for all they’ve done for me. I’ll come home and spend the rest of it with my husband who’s been with me through laughter and sadness. I’ll choose to celebrate not turning 40, but the realization that I’ve got the power to change who I am for the better. If I can make myself happy about MYSELF I can be a better person to my husband, my family, my friends.

That is something to celebrate. I’m happy to celebrate that.